Top 5 Reasons Celebrity Skin is Stress-Free (and why I want some)

I vowed as I revamped this crashed blog that my first new post would not be a typical #mommyproblems post with snarky observations. Nope. I vowed not to blog while I sip my wine and whine. But alas, I sit here and bitch after a stressful day of doing mommy shit, and work shit, and shit. At least I will not subject you to poopy diaper shit like I’ve seen so many mommy bloggers do ’cause mine are all grown up!

As I was sitting in the big long line of SUVs at my daughter’s school, waiting for what seemed like an eternity, I glanced at myself in the rearview mirror. EESH! Hair’s a wreck with roots showing, mascara’s smeared after a long day of eye rubbing from computer glare (I’m an online news editor) and I could stand to drop a few pounds. I began to think about how different this scenario would be if I were a successful millionaire and just realized why rich celebrities all look so damn good:

1) No wrinkles from dealing with the stress of waiting an HOUR for your kid to finish practice when you were told the wrong time because they have a nanny to do it. And you can’t even get out of the car and B.S.with the other moms because you’re still wearing your pajamas…. at 5:00. Don’t judge.

2) No muffin top stress over the lay-on-the-bed-so-your-jeans-will-zip struggle because they don’t drink beer and they have a personal trainer named Sven.

3) No bad hair days ’cause you’d have extensions, and a stylist, and better A/C in your stretch limo.

4) No 3:00 carb slump ’cause you’d be vegan, and macro, and eat farm-fresh asparagus and cage-free egg white omelets with Gwyneth Paltrow and the President.

5) No turkey neck ’cause of #1-4.

I know some ultra feminist reading this right now can’t wait to blast me in an over-the-top tirade about how we should all love the skin we’re in no matter what size, and how we shouldn’t be defined by how we look, and some other smart, ranty feminist crap that sounds to me like “blah blah blah.” Good for you and your thigh gap. You have it easy. Some of us “curvy girls” have to work and work and work at it and still can’t get it right.

Don’t get me wrong, I do love the skin I’m in. I just wish sometimes there wasn’t so much of it when I’m trying to get dressed up for a fun night out and nothing fits. I love that the skin I’m in makes me look 10 years younger when I’m all dolled up thanks to good genes (not good jeans), and when some innocent 22-year-old pays me a compliment.

So put that in your homemade soda maker and drink it. I’ll just sit here with my wine….. and whine……

Screen shot 2014-10-11 at 2.31.13 AM

Thank you Jesus for making wine your first miracle. Cheers y’all!!! 

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